


when the air ran out and we both started running wild

by lifewasradical



Series: What A Feeling [2]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Calum leaves the band, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, a LOT of personal growth for calum, part two baby!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:14:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/pseuds/lifewasradical
Summary: For now, Calum feels warmth blossoming in the bubble in his heart, just warm enough to defrost some of the solid emotions stuck there. He feels grateful for this love with Luke, easy, familiar in a time when nothing is certain anymore. Calum’s only certain of one thing and that’s Luke.Or, part 2 of Calum leaves the band.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Calum Hood
Series: What A Feeling [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2019680
Comments: 5
Kudos: 31





	when the air ran out and we both started running wild

**Author's Note:**

> I had absolutely no intention of continuing this story until I received an overwhelming number of requests to finish Calum's story. I hope I do this justice for what you all were looking for. 
> 
> Shoutouts to [Shal](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/wheniminouterspace) , of course, because without you, this would not exist. Thank you for being my sounding board every step of the way, listening to me talk about all of my insane ideas just to solve the problem myself, and for being such an incredible human and friend. Ladybug hugs to you, pal. 
> 
> Also a shoutout to [Em](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeHunter) for always being so supportive of my stupidity and for asking "Cake fic part 2?" every time I mentioned writing in the club and for giving me this fic title. Thank you for continuously inspiring me. 
> 
> Title from What A Feeling, again.

Calum and Luke sit in silence for a while, thoughts flickering through both of their heads constantly. Calum looks at Luke, studies the ways that he’s changed and the ways that he looks the same. He can see the weight lifted from his shoulders compared to when he walked in, a completely different person sitting across the couch, though still so inherently Luke. 

“I probably should leave,” Luke begins, but makes no effort to move from his spot, still wrapped up under Calum’s arm, cuddled into the softness there.

“Stay?” Calum asks softly, tipping his head to the side to blink at Luke, pleading him not to leave.

“Isn’t that a bit soon?” Luke jokes, squeezing Calum’s hands lightly. Calum’s heart flutters, thinking of the implications of Luke staying. He hasn’t seen Luke in months and now that he has him, Calum doesn’t want to let him slip away so quickly.

“I need to get home to Petunia,” Luke whispers, sadness coating his words.

Calum hums in acknowledgement, not making moves to get them off the couch. They settle back into silence for a bit, Calum thinking intently about what this means. Luke being back in his life is all he wants, especially if it is in the way that they both seem to be heading towards, more than just platonically friends.

He knows they have a long road ahead of them, countless more conversations to get on the same page and move forwards, discussions of what this means to each of them, who they’re allowed to tell, what steps they’ll be taking to make sure that everything is okay. Calum’s head spins a bit with the reality of it all, no longer just a distant daydream but instead something tangible.

Calum distantly imagines being back on stage, sharing a platform with Luke, adoration clouding his mind and making him mess up a few notes. He lets the image of Luke’s smile, shining from the stage lights, settle into the creases of his mind, safe for when he inevitably needs the mental boost in a bit. There’s a bubble, one filled with a passion for music, holding a space above his heart, lukewarm to the touch. It inflates, just a little bit, thinking about the way that Luke looks in the lights.

Calum refuses to think about that any longer, not letting himself believe that he’ll ever be able to be on stage again, not when he practically ripped the whole band apart when he left initially. No, he can’t put them through any more struggles, can’t allow them to break apart again just so he can weasel his way into the spot he no longer deserves.

“Get out of your head,” Luke finally says, a light teasing tone to his voice. Calum deadpans for a moment, biting his tongue harshly to hold in the words right there on the tip.

“What’s happening here?” Calum blurts out, biting his own lip at the sudden intrusion to their internal conversations. He curses himself for his inability to keep things to himself.

Luke sighs, not upset, but pensive, huffing out a tiny laugh. “I’m not sure? Is that okay? I don’t want to jump into something so quickly. I mean, I haven’t seen you in months, I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to just pretend that everything is okay, as much as I want it to be,” Luke says.

Calum nods, appreciating the honesty, regardless of how much he just wants to run headfirst into the fire, even if it means he ends up burnt. Still, he wants to kiss Luke, to show him that he’s here, this is serious, and he’s not going to just disappear again, thinking maybe that would help him change his mind.

Reluctantly, they both stand up, aching bones popping. They giggle at each other, private smiles shared as they walk through the house. Calum thinks about how he doesn’t feel as much like a ghost anymore, but instead he feels solid, grounded in every step he takes.

He leads out to the front door, both pausing on between the threshold, unwilling to part immediately. Luke glows under the porchlight, radiant with a new sense of peace. Calum reaches out to push a curl away from his face and Luke leans into the touch, hands still anchored together as a point of contact.

“I don’t want to leave,” Luke says quietly, closing his eyes to savor the moment.

“You don’t have to?” Calum questions, knowing very well that Luke won’t cave in, not this time. Not when things are so new, so fresh between them. They can’t mess this up, neither one of them will let it happen.

“Cal,” Luke chastises, shaking his head lightly with a smile on his face.  
“I know, I know. I won’t pressure you. Just. Come back soon? Please?” Calum requests, resting his forehead against Luke’s, close enough for one of them to bridge the gap if they wanted to.

Luke is the one that takes the initiative, a quick press of lips against Calum’s, but enough for sparks to fly, static settling into their bones. Calum gasps, just slightly, at the confirmation that yeah, _this_ is what he’s always been waiting for. This is what he wanted.

Calum climbs into bed with Duke that night with a new sense of purpose, the feeling of Luke lingering on his skin. The smallest spark lit up his chest, a tiny flicker in the darkness of his heart. He blows on it softly, willing the flame to catch on something nearby, to set the whole place ablaze with passion once again.

He wakes up the next morning to a “ _Good morning, thank you for yesterday,”_ text from Luke, immediately setting a toothy grin onto Calum’s face. He tries to will the glee away, to let himself get lost in the mundane day to day activities rather than sit by waiting for Luke to come back once again.

It takes a few days, ones laced with constant texts and occasional facetime calls for Luke to come back, promise kept.

Calum hears the slam of a car door, Duke immediately setting off into a fit of barking at the noise. He shushes the dog, running to the front door just in time for it to fly open, Petunia barreling into the house and immediately running over to Duke. Luke is following close behind, laughing at the scene in front of him before swiftly switching his gaze over to Calum, eyes softening dramatically.

Luke pulls Calum into a tight hug, kissing him softly before resting his head on Calum’s shoulder, cheeks tinted with a light blush at the familiarity of an action so new. “I missed you,” Luke says, squeezing tighter for a moment before releasing, just in time for Duke to run over, begging for attention from Luke.

“You act like you didn’t go months without seeing me,” Calum jokes, smiling down at the dogs circling Luke’s legs.

When Calum looks up, Luke is frowning, deep lines set between his eyes. For a moment, Calum is incredibly panicked, usure why Luke is making that face, until it hits him what he just said, what he just joked about. His stomach drops, uncomfortable with his own mind, aching with mourning. “Shit, uh, too soon?”

Luke purses his lips, shoulders sagging slightly as if the weight of Calum’s joke added on some extra baggage. “I just. I don’t want it to happen again,” Luke confides, distracting himself with petting Petunia.

Calum tsks lightly, pulling Luke away from his dog for a moment to wrap his arms around the taller man’s neck, forcing direct eye contact. “I promise you, I won’t let it go that long again,” he confirms, eliciting a small smile from Luke. Calum leans up, just enough to press a kiss to Luke’s lips, effectively breaking the negative air that he had created in the room.

They spend the evening talking, catching up on all the things that have happened over the past few months, Luke purposefully leaving out the band and Calum pointedly avoiding saying just how bad he had gotten. They talk over dinner, some pasta dish that Calum is proud of and Luke eats without complaint, sharing smiles across the table and sneaking bites to the dogs. It’s light, airy, until it’s not.

They’re sitting on the couch, cuddled up under a warm fleece blanket as they try to choose a movie to watch, differing tastes making it impossible to settle on something they’ll both enjoy. The dogs are napping on the other couch, blissfully unaware of their surroundings.

“I’m glad you’re here, I figured you would have been off doing something more important at this point in the year,” Calum says, the unsaid _I thought you and the band would be doing something,_ hanging heavily in the air. Luke sucks in a breath, head twitching slightly with the forced moment.

“We uh, took a break,” Luke says, coughing uncomfortably, “we needed time to try to reevaluate where to go now.”

Calum gulps audibly, feeling more guilty now than he had intended to. He didn’t want to ask about the band, but here he is anyways, creating conversations that he wasn’t prepared to have, especially not while they’re relaxed on the couch late at night.

“It wasn’t because of you,” Luke adds next, shifting a little bit like he always does when he’s lying.

Calum fixes him with a look, “I don’t believe you for a second.”

Luke sighs, shrugging lightly as if to say _worth a try_. They simmer in silence, neither one knowing how to broach the subject carefully, to leave this intact instead of broken again. Calum wants to hide, wants to avoid the conversation that they are treading around. He doesn’t want to talk about the band, but sitting here in front of Luke, the man he _loves,_ he knows he has to grow the fuck up and accept it. The band is such a huge part of Luke, one that he can’t just compartmentalize and put away when he comes over to see Calum, so Calum needs to just move forward and figure out how to accept the feelings to keep Luke.

“I need you to be able to talk about them, about the band and Michael and Ashton. I need to know what you’re doing. Like, not because I want to hear about it, because trust me I don’t. But I want to be able to talk about what you’re doing, candidly, without making you censor your thoughts around me,” Calum finally says, eyes pinched closed to keep reality from settling in.

Luke stares at Calum, wheels turning in his brain to figure out what to say next. Calum doesn’t want this to be a trick, he isn’t trying to get Luke to say “ _no, babe, I won’t do anything to make you uncomfortable.”_ He wants Luke to share it all, every high and low, every time he’s mad at management or Michael or Ashton, and every time they succeed. Calum wants to be there for it all.

(The voice in his brain screams _then why did you leave the band if you still want to be involved in it all?!_ Calum blocks that voice out.)

“Are you sure?” Luke asks, biting on the place his lip ring used to live, a habit he never quite grew out of.

Calum smiles, settled by the sincerity in Luke’s voice. “I’m positive, you are important to me and I want to hear about what is important to you. I can’t have you and not hear about the biggest part of your life. You don’t need to separate yourself for my wellbeing.”

Luke cuddles into Calum’s side, forever an overgrown lapdog, and hums, rattling Calum’s chest lightly. They sit in a more comfortable silence for a bit, the only sound being Petunia’s occasional snuffles and the running of the dishwasher from the kitchen.

“I’m nervous that we won’t be able to come out of this. Not to like, guilt you or anything, but you said I can talk about it. I’m not sure there’s a future there without you,” Luke admits quietly, breath fawning over Calum’s _MMXII_ tattoo on his collarbone.

Calum’s heart skips a beat, changing to a brand-new rhythm of uncertainty. He asked for this, asked for honesty and transparency in a way he’s never experienced before. Him and Luke have always laid it all out for each other, never hiding away feelings or emotions, _(other than the leaving the band emotion,_ Calum thinks bitterly).

“I’m sorry,” Calum finally says, voice small. Despite Luke saying it isn’t his fault, he can’t help but feel immensely guilty about the entire thing, strung out just a bit too tight and ready to snap. He wants to be okay with it, desperately so, but he also can’t help but want to cover his ears and yell loudly to block it all out.

“Please don’t be, we can’t both have what we want here if we keep saying sorry. You’re sorry that you left, that things might not be okay for us, the band us, and I’m sorry that you got to the point where you no longer enjoyed being on stage, that you were so low and couldn’t tell any of us about it. I’m banning the word sorry from our vocabularies from now on, unless explicitly necessary,” Luke commands, nodding once in finality.

Calum huffs out a laugh, a little less tightly wound but still teetering at the edge. He’s so content, here with Luke, that even the idea of the band, the emptiness in his heart, and the internal voices in both their heads can’t knock him down. They’re going to work on it, together, piecing Calum back together.

For now, Calum feels warmth blossoming in the bubble in his heart, just warm enough to defrost some of the solid emotions stuck there. He feels grateful for this love with Luke, easy, familiar in a time when nothing is certain anymore. Calum’s only certain of one thing and that’s Luke.

* * *

The first time Calum and Luke try to play music together, Calum’s nerves are through the roof. It’s been months since he played with someone else, despite having Mali, a fully functioning musician, at home with him. He lets himself be sad about that thought for a moment, that he didn’t utilize his sister to get over some of his music related anxiety before she packed up and moved back to her own home (“ _you have Luke now, you don’t need me,”_ _she said as she got into the car waiting at the end of the driveway. Calum shook his head but let her go, misty eyed as she drove away. Luke came over an hour later and smothered him with cuddles until he shared what had him so upset.)_

They’re sitting in the backyard, basking in the warm sunlight and enjoying pulling grass out of the earth at its roots. The slight breeze pushes Luke’s hair around, curls flipping slightly in the wind. Calum watches on intently, thinking about what it would feel like to run his fingers through Luke’s hair.

He pauses for a moment and realizes this is something he’s allowed to feel now, not some illegal thought haunting his mind. Calum has Luke, for better or worse, from now on, so there is no silent wishing for things that he is entitled to anymore. He reaches out across the gap and threads his fingers through Luke’s hair, leaving the other man pliant and peaceful.

Luke hums something melodic, a tune Calum thinks he may have heard in a dream. Or, maybe Luke had been humming it around the house lately, while making tea or brushing his teeth or while doing any number of small, thoughtless acts. The tune floats in the air and for a moment, Calum can see the bassline accompanying it, along with the drums. The random notes suddenly are forming a whole song, something that Calum hadn’t thought about in so long. It leaves him breathless.

“Can we play?” Calum says quickly, before he’s able to talk himself out of it. The bubble of passion inflates a little more, spreading now from just his heart to his lungs, warmth radiating from his chest. He lets blame fall on the sun, not acknowledging the tiny step he’s making in a better direction. 

“Hmm?” Luke replies, taking his eyes off Duke who is digging around in the garden bed.

“Can we play music, like together?” Calum asks again, pulling out a handful of grass, letting the tiny blades fall through his fingertips, back into the endless sea of green.

“Like, now?” Luke clarifies, sitting up a little straighter. He knows Calum has only played the bass one singular time since leaving the band, the catalyst that brought Luke to him just a few weeks before and he hasn’t touched a guitar or piano since far before that. He knows that Calum hadn’t felt any inspiration to play in months, too wrapped up in the emptiness in his stomach.

Calum nods once, suddenly feeling insecure about his proposal, thinking that maybe now this is a bad idea, playing music with a bandmate for a band that he had left. The guilt swims back up his throat, settling right at the back of his mouth, refusing to let any more words pass.

He tries, desperately to push it away. There’s a small part of him itching to play, to see if getting back to music would make things just a little better, if only for a moment. He can’t play alone, consciously knowing that he would self-criticize and end up sitting on the floor, staring into nothingness for an unnecessarily long amount of time.

He feels safe, comfortable with Luke, knowing that if he says the word, they’d stop, and Luke would hold him until things felt a little more bearable. Calum savors that thought, Luke always coming back to save him, even when Calum doesn’t know he needs saving.

But still, Calum hasn’t so much as listened to music in the past few months, television always being the soundtrack to his day-to-day activities rather than pulling up Spotify on his phone. He’s sure Luke notices that there’s never any music playing when he stays over, but he never comments on it, Calum thinks.

“Please,” Luke breathes, grinning wildly as he pulls Calum up by the forearms, breaking him out of his thoughts.

Calum stumbles slightly, threatening to fall over before Luke steadies him, two arms wrapped around his neck as he drags him into a quick kiss, all too much teeth and smiles to be any good, but it feels right no matter what.

Luke leads them into the house, settling on the couch as Calum pulls two guitars out of the closet, one belonging to Mali that she couldn’t bring back with her, but he knows she won’t mind. Actually, she would probably be ecstatic to hear that he wanted to play, especially with Luke.

“What are we playing?” Luke asks, fiddling with the strings to make sure it’s in tune.

“Can you start playing what you were just humming?” Calum asks, eyes narrowing slightly as Luke sucks in a sharp breath, taken back by Calum’s words.

“Uh, that’s something I’ve been working on with the guys for uh, the next 5sos record, actually,” Luke shares, bowing his head down to avoid looking at Calum as an awkward silence falls over the room.

It’s not like Calum was blind to the idea that the band would have to write more music without him, he knew it would be coming eventually. But hearing it from Luke’s mouth, no more than five months since he left the band, hurts just a little more than he expected it to. The sting lingers as he collects his thoughts a little more, thinking about how proud he is of them for moving forward, even in such a challenging time.

He wishes that he was part of it, now more than ever, but he also thinks about the lasting pit that sits heavy in his gut, still holding him back from humoring the idea of getting up on stage again. He thinks about the studio, the confined spaces of just the four of them, working through the beginning pieces of the songwriting process, bouncing ideas off of each other before they would bring them to a larger group of more articulate, talented artists.

Calum runs through his mental list of lyrics he’s been writing in his head, refusing to write anything down since that felt all too much like a Real Thing, a real effort to get back into music when he just can’t see that far ahead yet. All the hypothetical lyrics are sad, tales of loneliness and not being able to find home, missing pieces and such. Calum thinks about how he’s slowly moving away from those lyrics, sitting in the living room with Luke. Maybe he’ll get to the point where he can put a pen to paper again sometime soon.

“I can still play it, if you want,” Luke finally amends, realizing Calum lost himself in a memory. Calum startles, refocusing on the world he’s supposed to be living in, sitting on the couch with Luke, holding guitars, dogs lounging off to the sides. Everything feels a bit too real, a bit too normal.

_Are things allowed to feel normal?_ Calum thinks, looking to Luke for guidance. Luke stares back, a slightly perplexed and expectant look on his face, waiting for Calum to answer his question. For a moment, Calum wants to back out, to say _this was a mistake_ and run away to his room to hide. He doesn’t think he can stomach this, playing, in front of Luke. Or rather, Luke playing while Calum listens. It all seems too much.

Despite that feeling, Calum nods, almost not in control of his own body. Luke hesitates before looking away, beginning to play a soft, floating guitar that matches up with the idea that Luke has been humming for days. Calum loses himself in the sound, lets himself imagine the sweet lyrics that must accompany it and sees, briefly, the image of Luke up on stage with his acoustic, playing to a crowd of people while Calum waits in the wings for his cue to come back on stage.

He blinks that thought away, letting it fly away as Luke hums along to his own playing, ghosts of words beginning to form under his breath, just incomprehensible enough. Calum settles back, suddenly too drained to humor the idea of playing himself, but content to listen to Luke play, a small smile on Calum’s lips. He lets himself be swept away in the sounds, shoulders tense with a little bit of anxiety but relaxed, nonetheless.

Luke finishes the song, opening his eyes to gauge Calum’s reaction, guarded in a way he hasn’t seen from Luke in a long time.

“I love that,” Calum finally says, letting go of his tight grip on his own guitar.

Luke blushes, picking at the glittery nail polish on his fingers. “I threw the idea out to the guys a bit ago, we’ve been workshopping it for a little bit. I don’t think it’s near finished yet, but it’s part of the aesthetic for the next album, a lot more vulnerable than our past stuff has been, if you can imagine that,” Luke laughs.

Calum smiles, genuine, happy that Luke and the boys are making it work, coming up with a new concept and looks and everything that he wishes he was doing. Listening to Luke play and talk about his music, Calum feels the bubble of his musical passion find its way down his arms, settling into his fingertips.

“Can we play something together, now?” Calum asks, strumming once, just to get the feeling back. Luke beams, eyes crinkling as his tongue finds its way between his teeth in unadulterated happiness.

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

* * *

One morning shortly after the guitar afternoon, Calum wakes up in Luke’s arms, a frequent occurrence over the past few weeks. Luke’s cold toes are pressed up against Calum’s calves and his fingers are slightly under the waistband of his Calum’s pants, innocently seeking the warmth of his hip. Calum leans back against Luke’s chest, letting his head rise and fall with Luke’s breathing.

He takes a moment to savor the feeling, wrapped up in their own little world, so far away from where anyone can find them. Calum is pretty certain that Luke never told Michael or Ashton where he was living, making Mali and Luke the only two people who would be able to find him here.

Calum holds onto that feeling for a moment, but thinks about how much he misses the others, misses being able to go out into the world and not have to worry about every move that he makes in an effort not to get caught. He misses his LA friends, the nightlife, his real home. He still feels unnecessarily guilty every time that Luke takes the trip up to see him, even if he insists Luke spends the night to make it worthwhile. He feels like he’s keeping Luke from life, holding him away in a private sanctuary when he could be flying free, soaring above the trees.

Luke grunts lightly, waking up slowly as Calum rolls over to face him properly. Luke’s eyes are slightly puffy with sleep, curls slightly greasy and tangled from moving around in the night. He’s got lines on his cheek, indentations from the folds on the pillowcase.

Calum thinks he looks ethereal, domestic in a way that he’s never experienced before. His heart clenches again, thoughts solidifying into something tangible.

“Good morning,” Luke groans, smiling slightly and blinking away the last of his exhaustion.

“Hey,” Calum says, bringing a hand up to swipe a curl from his forehead.

“What has you looking like that?” Luke asks, bringing a hand up to Calum’s arm, lightly tracing patterns on his skin.

“I think I’m ready to move home,” Calum whispers, sharing the secret between the two of them, ducking his head slightly at the confession.

Luke blinks, a small smile threatening to break through. “Are you sure?” he asks, chewing on his lip to hold in his glee, poorly containing the happiness he’s feeling.

“Yeah, I miss being home. I miss my own space, my real space. And maybe I feel guilty that you have to drive all the way out here to see me since I can’t easily go to you.”

“You know I’d keep driving out to see you every single day if you wanted to stay here. I can’t say I’m not happy that you’re ready to move back though.” Luke smiles, full and unmistakably pleased, tilting his face up to kiss Calum lightly.

“Morning breath,” Calum huffs before giving into Luke, meeting him in the middle for another chaste morning embrace.

“When can we start moving you back?” Luke asks, practically vibrating with the excitement of having Calum closer again. Calum laughs, putting his head down to rest against the hummingbird tattoo on Luke’s bicep.

“Let me cuddle up to you for another hour or so and we can start packing up some boxes,” Calum decides, smiling when Luke wraps his other arm around his shoulders, holding Calum to him.

“Deal,” Luke says, pressing a small kiss to his forehead.

They spend the rest of the day packing things into boxes and suitcases, preparing for Calum to go back to LA for good. It’s not that he brought much with him in the first place, knowing that this was never a permanent place for him to stay. They pack up both Luke and Calum’s cars, filling them to the brim with all the junk Calum had brought or accumulated over the past few months.

After settling Duke into his car and Petunia in Luke’s, Calum goes back to the house, doing one last sweep to make sure that he didn’t miss anything important. He wanders to the bedroom, scanning the space for stray belongings when Luke comes in behind him, wrapping his arms around Calum’s middle.

“We good?” Luke asks into the space between Calum’s shoulder and his neck.

Calum sighs, leaning back against Luke and placing his hands softly on top of Luke’s. “I think so. I just. This house saved me, you know? I needed this space to be able to work through all those thoughts I had and now I’m just leaving it behind. I’ll probably never come back again and that’s a bit sad. I feel like it deserves more from me,” Calum shares, staring out the window.

“The house didn’t save you, you saved yourself. The house was just a place for you to hide away to figure out where your head is. Give yourself some credit here, you grew a lot in the past few months.”

Calum hums, letting Luke’s words soak into his soul. He did grow a lot, realizing what was truly important to him in life, allowing himself to shed away things that weren’t. He came to love the simpler things, the way the morning breeze flows through the trees, the soft grass of a well-maintained lawn, a cup of coffee and a lazy day on the couch.

But more than that, the house reminded him that home isn’t necessarily a place, but rather a feeling. This was never home, because home was always where his boys are, where the fans are, wherever Luke is. Something pulls lightly at his heart strings, an ache of thinking about the fans, the ones he left behind with no explanation. He misses them immensely, every day. He thinks about reaching out, a tweet, something just to remind them that he’s there, but he also thinks back to the catastrophe that was him posting on Instagram stories the last time.

Yet, his last Instagram post brought Luke back to him, so is there really a negative in that?

“I love you, you know that?” Calum asks quietly, squeezing Luke’s hands lightly.

Luke presses a short kiss to Calum’s neck and Calum feels him smile, “I know.”

* * *

A week after Calum arrives home, like, home-home, Luke comes up with an idea.

“Do you think you might want to talk to Michael again? Or Ashton?” he asks casually, feet kicked up on the coffee table despite Calum always swatting at him to stop it.

Calum stops his mindless scrolling on his phone, blinking off into the distance as he takes in Luke’s words. It’s not that he hadn’t thought about contacting them, hell, he missed them every single day. Seeing Luke so regularly made the ache a little stronger, reminiscing on what once was normal, slowly consuming his whole being with a want for what he once had.

But there was still the overwhelming feeling that he was unwanted because he fucked it all up. Sure, Ashton would like listen to whatever Calum has to say with open ears and an open heart, willing to take on any of the emotions that Calum shared. He desperately wanted to have that conversation with Ashton, to bridge what was left of the gap between them.

Michael was a whole different story. Calum knew there would be claws, residual anger pent up that needed to be released before they would be able to get on the same page again. As much as he loves Michael with all of his heart, he wasn’t sure that he was ready to reopen that wound again. The cut was still too fresh, the way that Michael stormed out of the room on the day Calum left the band.

“I’m just… not sure how that would go,” Calum admits, picking at the skin around his nails in thought.

Luke reaches out, taking Calum’s hand away from his nervous tendencies. He lightly pulls at Calum’s fingers, twisting them around in an effort to distract Calum enough to continue the conversation.

“Michael misses you, so much,” Luke shares, trailing lines up and down Calum’s hands. Calum shudders at the feeling.

“I miss him just as much, probably more. But he probably still thinks I’m selfish, I wouldn’t doubt it if he was still holding the biggest fucking grudge against me.”

Luke sighs, leaning over to rest his head against Calum’s shoulder. Calum moves to accommodate the new weight, pulling Luke over completely, resting their hands in Luke’s lap. Calum deflates, slightly, settling comfortably into the embrace, into the comfort that Luke brings.

“But you weren’t there after you left. I mean, that’s kinda the whole point of you leaving but you know what I mean. He was so worried for you, like he kinda lost it a bit when you deactivated all your social media accounts. I think he liked being able to check up on you, just in case you were coming back. I think he misses you more than I missed you, and that says a lot.”  
Calum pauses to think, inhaling the words Luke says deep into his lungs. The idea of Michael worrying about Calum is enough to make up his mind about reaching out to him, at least to try and work through the issues. He’s cautiously optimistic, hoping that the that the eye of the storm has passed, and he doesn’t need to keep the windows boarded up any longer.

Despite Calum gearing up for this conversation for days, running through all the possibilities with Luke ( _“Calum, Michael is not going to pour a glass of water on your head, think realistically here please”)_ , he still feels unprepared when he arrives at Luke’s house the morning they’ve decided will be The Conversation.

Luke planned the whole intervention, asking Michael to come over for brunch and a bit of songwriting, a simple but effective way of getting him over to talk to Calum. Luke texted Calum when Michael arrived, a string of positive affirmations reminding him that their history will outweigh any negative feelings that Michael has. Calum isn’t nearly as optimistic as Luke is, knowing the way that Michael holds grudges, keeps harboring feelings until someone is begging for forgiveness at his feet.

He exits the car, taking one deep breath before walking up to the front porch. Calum’s palms begin to sweat, reminding him of the feeling of Michael yelling at him, disappointed, the last time that they saw each other in person. He pushes that thought back, willing his brain to remember the good times, sleepovers at each other’s houses in high school, long nights of songwriting, sharing secrets in the studios. He reminds himself that this is Michael, his best friend in the entire world.

He quietly slips into the house, hearing Michael’s shrill laughter along with Luke’s melodic giggle filling the air of the front hallway. Calum takes a minute to reflect, remembering when it was so normal for him to hear these laughs every single day. Once upon a time, he would be able to walk in and join them without anyone else batting an eye, but today, he knows he’s about to have one of the most difficult conversations of his life, only slightly behind telling his parents he was giving up on football and listening to Luke yell at him when he arrived at the hideaway house.

Petunia is the first to notice Calum’s presence, a low bark signally his arrival, alerting the group to the intruder. Luke looks up, practically radiating heart eyes at Calum from across the kitchen island. Calum returns the soft glance, absorbing the last of Luke’s well wishes before turning his full attention to Michael.

Almost in slow motion, Michael turns on his barstool, swiveling dramatically, likely expecting Ashton to be the one interrupting their peaceful breakfast. Calum watches his face turn from initial excitement, flickering quickly to confusion, hurt, and then settling on anger.

“No, absolutely not, I refuse to do this right now, I do not want to have this conversation,” Michael spits, eyes darting to find an escape route, “fuck you, Luke, you set me up!”

“I had to, I knew you wouldn’t come over here willingly if you knew that Calum was going to be here.”

“Of course I wouldn’t, I don’t want to see him ever again.” Michael jumps off the stool, grabbing his coat.

“Michael please,” Calum says, bordering on begging, taking a tentative step forward, “hear me out?”

“No, fuck no, I can’t even face you,” Michael barks, crossing his arms like a defiant child.

“Then turn around, face the other direction and just listen to me, please?” Calum tries, crossing his fingers behind his back that Michael can agree to just hearing him out.

Michael sighs dramatically, turning on his heel as if he’s about to retreat from the room, but doesn’t, surprising Calum.

“Go on then,” Michael says under his breath, barely loud enough for Calum to hear. Luke smiles at Calum, nodding once, before grabbing his coffee and passing Calum, reaching out to squeeze his hand, once, twice, three times, before heading down the hallway, out of sight and earshot.

Calum takes a deep breath in, bracing himself for the onset of emotions bound to come from this conversation. “I’m gonna start with I’m sorry. I’m sorry and I miss you. I take all fault for what happened and how we got to the point that you can’t even look at me without being angry. But also, as much as I’m sorry, I’m hurt by you too,” Calum offers, pausing a moment to let Michael think. A small noise from the other man lets Calum know that he’s still listening.

“I know I didn’t give you much notice. I didn’t warn you that I was gonna leave and that wasn’t fair, but also, I hate that you didn’t even reach out once. And yeah, I know the phone works both ways and all that cliché bullshit but god, if the tables were turned, I would have reached out to you. Mike, you’re my brother, have been for most of our damn lives but you walked out like I was the worst person you’ve ever encountered.”

Calum watches Michael’s shoulders tense and relax momentarily, almost too fast to pick up on. Michael crosses his arms, clutching at the hoodie fabric around his ribs. He shifts on his feet, all tell tail signs of him feeling uncomfortable.

“I can apologize forever it that would make it better, because truthfully I understand if I need to beg for your forgiveness. I know I could have fucked it all up for all of you and I regret that. But at the same time, I hope you can see my side of it, maybe not now, but eventually. You have to know this wasn’t a decision I made lightly because you three are some of the most important people in my life. But I needed to protect myself, so I left. And I’m sorry, because I miss you, and the stage, and the fans, and playing music, but for the first time in my life, I put myself before anyone else and I’m still glad I did it,” Calum finishes.

Calum sucks in a deep breath, feeling slightly liberated by spilling some of the thoughts that had been plaguing his mind for months.

Michael shudders, visibly shaking at Calum’s plea, and turns to face his opponent. His face says it all, conflicting emotions present. He looks overwhelmingly drained, mostly empty of all thoughts and feelings. There are tiny shards of pain glittering in his eyes, the slight downturn of his mouth portraying his unhappiness, while the way he has his hands clenched gives away the anger still coursing under the surface.

“I’m just pissed you didn’t talk to me,” Michael spits, narrowing his eyes to hold back the more vulnerable emotions.

“I wanted to, really. I just. How was I supposed to tell you that I was empty? I didn’t want your pity. I didn’t need you to fix me. I needed to figure it out on my own,” Calum shares, twirling his car keys between his fingertips.

“And figuring it out had to happen without us? Why couldn’t we have worked with you on it?” Michael insists, taking a seat on the stool once again.

Calum sighs, not fully intending on getting into this conversation again, at least not without Ashton present so he could stop replaying the same emotions over and over, cutting through scar tissue again and again. “Mike I… I lost all my passion for this, for being in the band and getting on stage and even listening to music. Getting on stage felt like I was twelve feet under water and forgot how to swim. How was I supposed to share that with you without letting you take on some of those thoughts? I couldn’t taint the success for you all, I mean hell, I still feel guilty telling you this right now but Luke pretty much talked me into it. Convincing little shit.”

“Yeah fuck you for talking to Luke first,” Michael adds, a tiny hint of playfulness coating his words, just enough for Calum’s bones to settle slightly. He looks more relieved now, almost a little guilty and open in a way that Calum didn’t expect to see so quickly. As much as he was ready for battle with Michael, there was already that resounding softness between them both, a mutual understanding of one another.

“Listen it’s not like I had a choice, he showed up at the place I was living. Got Mali to tell him where I was, drove out to the middle of nowhere and ripped me a new one. I’ve never seen Luke that mad, at least for the beginning of the conversation. He settled, eventually, so I mean that was good.”

“I don’t think I’m ever going to get over that part, you making amends with Luke before me. We're best friends, Cal, I wish you had been able to talk to me about this sooner,” Michael admits, a tiny smile lighting up his face.

“Trust me, I wanted to talk to you. But you’re the one who unfollowed me on social media, I thought you were setting a pretty clear boundary with that.”

Michael sighs, nodding along with Calum, “yeah you’re right, that was a dick move. I didn’t really mean to, I was just so pissed off when I saw that you reactivated your stupid accounts after leaving us. I didn’t want to be reminded that you were actually out there, it was easier pretending you never existed in the first place. I missed you too much.”

Calum lets his smile take over his entire face then, lighting up at Michael’s declaration. An “I miss you” to Michael was the epitome of a white flag, raised high over his head in surrender.

Calum all but skips across the space between them, pulling Michael into a bone crushing hug. He sticks his nose into the fabric of Michael’s t-shirt, inhaling the familiar scent of bodywash and something inherently Michael, an instant comfort.

Michael wraps his arms up and around Calum, clutching desperately at his hoodie and anchor him in place. “Fuck, I really did miss you,” Michael breathes, rubbing a hand up and down Calum’s back, sending waves of content through Calum’s bones.

“I’m so sorry,” Calum offers once more, “I didn’t mean to scare you. I needed some time away. And now I’m back, and I don’t expect you to forgive me immediately, but I would like to work to that, I need you in my life.”

Michael sniffs, trying to hide his emotions in the collar of Calum’s shirt. “Don’t make me get all fucking sappy, I hate you. You owe me endless movie nights and cuddles anytime I want, you hear me?”

Calum smiles and watches as Luke peaks his head around the corner, eyes crinkling when he sees the two wrapped up in each other. He comes bounding across the kitchen, eyes glittering with excitement. Luke wraps his arms around them both, resting his head on top of Michael’s and pressing a quick kiss to Calum’s forehead, just fast enough to be unnoticeable. As they all pull away, Calum swears he sees something mischievous on Michael’s face and thinks that maybe Luke wasn’t as swift with his kiss as he thought.

They finish brunch, Michael relaying all of what has happened in the past few months to Calum, who nods along enthusiastically, feeling the bubble of passion and warmth pulsate, increasing now to flow down to his toes, taking up the majority of his body. A small piece still missing, which Calum knows to be Ashton.

Michael leaves Luke’s soon after, only after making Calum promise to stay in touch, the unsaid words between them meaning a little less after a comfortable afternoon.

“That went well,” Luke says, wiping down the countertop as Petunia snoozes in the corner. Calum nods, content, but itching to finish the last step to his own self-appointed trifecta of apologies. They work in pleasant silence, coexisting in a way that only happens when two are comfortable enough together to not need words punctuating the quiet.

“I need to go see Ash,” Calum finally says, wringing his hands together.

Luke pauses his cleaning, looking up at Calum with love laced eyes. “I’m so proud of you,” he says genuinely, blinking back what Calum refuses to believe are tears. Calum shifts uncomfortably, nerves settling into his stomach, threatening the balance.

“Don’t,” Calum whines, covering his face with his hands. “I’m going to do it now before I lose my motivation,” he declares, moving around the counter to give Luke a kiss goodbye.

“I’ll come over later, yeah? Let me know when you’re home,” Luke replies. Calum soaks in the warmth that comes from Luke reminding him that yeah, he’s home now, and after this next conversation, he hopefully won’t have any more stray pieces of his heart floating around.

The drive to Ashton’s is stiff, devoid of music playing, though for once, Calum’s fingers itch to turn the radio on. He doesn’t, worried that he might kill the vibes he has created, those that propel him forwards to end the madness he’s created.

He arrives at Ashton’s far too quickly, stepping on the break a bit too quickly in his confusion. He idles outside for a while, staring at the white front door just on the other side of the lawn. It would be too easy to turn around now, to go home and hide in his house and not exert the physical and emotional effort that it takes to confront his inner demons.

He knows that talking to Ashton is going to elicit more feelings than he’s prepared for, cutting him open and bleeding him dry just to start fresh, clean of all his past failures.

He doesn’t even get the option of actually following through with driving away because Ashton opens the front door, waving slightly to Calum. Luke must have tipped him off, Calum thinks bitterly with a tiny bit of appreciation. Luke always knows how to take care of him, even when he doesn’t want it. He mentally decides to spoil Luke rotten if this all goes well.

He slowly exits the car, scuffing his feet against the pavement as if it’s going to slow his movements. Ironically, talking to Ashton is more daunting than talking to Michael was, because Calum knows what Ashton’s reaction will be, knows that he will accept Calum for all his faults and flaws. That idea makes it harder, fearing the known rather than the surprises that could lurk around the corner.

And that’s exactly what Ashton does, wrapping him up in a warm hug without either of them uttering a word, squeezing tightly in a way that’s so Ashton that Calum can’t help but release all the air in his lungs (and maybe a few tears, but neither will confirm that.)

They talk, or more like Calum talks and Ashton listens, sipping tea and nodding in all the right places, taking in every word and emotion that Calum has to offer. Ashton gets it, he always does.

Ashton doesn’t beg for answers, just absorbs everything Calum gives him at face value, He respects the boundaries, something Calum is immensely grateful for. They spend the rest of the afternoon catching up, discussing Ashton’s plans for a desert getaway, which he plans on inviting Calum along for. He doesn’t think he deserves the invitation, but nods nonetheless.

Somehow, by whatever miracle or manifestation of destiny or whatever, Calum managed to get out of his disaster unscathed, other than the emotional beating that comes with recovering all his friendships. He doesn’t know why he was surprised, knowing the boys that he’s spent his whole life with wouldn’t truly leave him out to dry, especially when he was baring his heart to all of them. He cherishes his friendships, loves the relationships they’ve cultivated with all his heart, but there’s still a small piece of him missing, now that he’s finally put all of the pieces back together. A small, foundational piece is empty, throwing his entire being off balance, threatening to topple over if he doesn’t manage to get it all together.

Thankfully, he knows what it will take to get back to where he belongs.

* * *

The energy is more electric than Calum has ever felt in his entire life. Or, maybe that is just the normal level of energy, but now Calum is more attune to it after months and months of being away from the spotlights. He’s vibrating at a higher frequency, still just a little too unprepared but trying his hardest to move forward.

“Nervous?” Luke yells over the screaming fans, hand curled around the base of Calum’s neck. Calum stops to look at him, taking in the way his eyes glisten with excitement, shining in the darkness of backstage. Luke looks ecstatic, glowing practically, harboring glimmers of peace, adoration, _love._

“Incredibly,” Calum breathes, thinking Luke can’t hear him. Unfortunately, Luke’s lip reading has gotten too good over the past few years, so nothing gets past him anymore.

Luke pulls him a little farther into the darkness, away from some of the stagehands and people lingering. Calum’s back is up against the wall, guitar pressed between them, just close enough to rest against Calum’s thigh. Calum sucks in a breath, even after months of getting used to Luke in this way, he can’t help but still be pleasantly startled every time they are put into a situation like this.

“I’m so happy to have you here,” Luke shares, pulling out his in ears to ensure that they can both hear the conversation fully, “like, happier than I’ve ever been before. I know you’re scared and probably overthinking every single life decision you’ve ever made.”

Calum huffs out a laugh, nodding dramatically with a small smile gracing his lips. He _is_ nervous, even more than he was in 2012 at their first show, more than their first stadium opening show, more than the first day of tour after the hiatus. Only slightly less nervous than the day that he told Luke all the feelings that had been trapped in his heart.

“But,” Luke continues, oblivious to Calum’s internal terrors, “I am so proud of you. So, so wildly proud of you for doing this. It’s not going to be easy, but I believe in you. There’s no one else I’d rather have here right now.”

Calum lets a few stray tears pop up in his eyes, relishing the small praises Luke is offering. “I’m just scared they’re all going to hate me. Or that I’m going to fuck it up. I’m rusty, you know.”

Luke takes a step forward, throwing his guitar around his shoulder, closing the gap between them. One hand rests heavily on Calum’s shoulder, the other snakes around his waist, tucking into his back pocket to pull him as close as possible. Luke lines his head up next to Calum’s ear, making sure that they’re the only two that can hear what he’s saying.

“I know it won’t really do much but don’t be worried, okay? They love you. We all love you. It’s gonna be okay, yeah? This is what you are made to do. This is your home,” Luke affirms, pressing his forehead against Calum’s.

Calum sighs, letting his eyes flutter closed as he takes in the chanting, the way the noise blocks out just about any other sounds, other than Luke’s steady breathing.

“Thank you. I love you,” Calum echoes, closing the gap between them quickly before separating, careful to make sure that no one sees them. That was the contractual agreement, at least for now, so they weren’t allowed any public displays for the foreseeable future.

“Now, let’s go out there and fucking rock it!” Luke yells, bouncing on the balls of his feet. Calum cracks a smile, wiping his hands down his pants and taking three deep breaths in. He can do this. He’s going to kill it, he’s going to make it out on the other side happier that he did it.

The four of them meet in a circle, exchanging fist bumps and good lucks, quick embraces and smiles and the energy is high. Ashton takes the stage first, thundering away at the drums without a care, getting nearly animalistic about it. Michael runs out next, practically skipping with excitement.

Unconventionally, Luke is next, hyping up the crowd and getting intense screams as a reaction, the wall of fans moving impossibly closer to the stage.

Calum draws in a deep breath, exhaling slowly through his nose. He pinches the skin of his wrist, reminding himself that he’s here, it’s real, and the past few months haven’t been a dream.

Calum steps out of the shadows, gripping onto the neck of his bass just too hard for it to be casual, little indentations of the strings leaving marks on his fingertips before they even start playing. The screams intensify, flashing lights indicating hundreds of fans taking pictures, encapsulating Calum’s return to 5 Seconds of Summer.

Calum fully walks out, stopping in front of his microphone, feeling a small ball of anxiety start to settle in his chest as he locks eyes with a girl in the front row, fully sobbing as she clutches her face, trying to keep her tears inside. Calum shakily smiles at her, reaching a hand in her general direction, a gesture that has many of the fans reeling, all thinking the hand is for them.

He blocks everything out for a moment, looking out at the sea of humans, all here to see 5sos. He tries not to let himself think about those who must be bitter, angry that he left the band in the first place. Those fans probably resent him, a lingering emotion that he can’t seem to shake, even as the others start to actually play their instruments. The thoughts rush into his head now, telling him that this is a mistake, he isn’t ready, there’s still something wrong. His pulse is pounding, yelling at him _get out, now!_ while he’s stuck, staring out into the crowd.

This is why he left, not being able to handle being on stage anymore, Calum thinks as his breath wobbles. 

For a second, Calum can’t hear anything but the blood rushing in his own ears. He takes a small step back, barely noticeable as anything more than an adjustment, but out of the corner of his eyes, Calum sees Luke heading in his direction.

Luke strides over, hands flying across his guitar with a puzzled, almost concerned look on his face. He mouths _are you okay?_ to Calum, brows furrowing dramatically as he tries to multitask.

Calum must be portraying more stress than he thought because Luke pushes himself between Calum and the mic stand, distancing Calum from the crowd. He shakes his head, only minimally, but enough to send Luke into a slight panic.

_Look at me,_ Luke mouths, and for a second, Calum looks up at his eyes, back to his mouth again, before settling on his eyes.

_Breathe_ , Luke mouths again, still playing the intro, though a bit disjointed without Calum’s portion to even out the noise. Calum inhales, in through his nose, out through his mouth, pushing the negative thoughts out of his mind for a moment to focus on the man in front of him, the only one that really matters.

Calum stares at Luke, eyes flicking around his features, taking in every small detail. He focuses on his freckles for a moment, the way that the glitter on his eyelids shines in the light, the shiny metal of his necklaces. Luke, facing away from the crowd, stares directly into Calum’s soul, unwavering as always.

_I love you,_ he mouths, positive that no one is able to see him, no one will be able to make a big deal of their private moment.

Calum nods, a small smile gracing his face. He starts playing along, jumping in where the others are already shredding. The first note hits a spot in his heart, lighting up all the dark corners. The renewed energy fills the empty spots, flooding into every crevice. The bubble pops, instantly reminding him why he’s here, what it’s like to feel _everything_ while up on stage. The warmth is overwhelming, almost too hot to handle, but Calum basks in its light, a sweeping calm that he hadn’t felt in so long. He’s almost overcome with emotions, but he manages to get it all in check, swallowing around nothing.

Luke must see the change, the moment of realization because he’s beaming, positively radiating happiness as he steps away from Calum, grinning wildly. Calum’s face mirrors Luke’s, as does Michael’s just off in the distance. Calum steals a glance at Ashton and sees he’s staring right back, just for a second before he goes back to beating the drums.

The warmth simmers, suddenly feeling less like a supernova and more like a fireplace in the winter, the sunshine on a day at the beach, a comforting embrace. _Luke’s comforting embrace._

The intro stops, a brief pause before they’re set to properly start the first song and Calum walks up to his microphone, gripping it tightly as he peeks at Luke quickly before addressing the crowd.

“Hi, I’m Calum Hood, the bassist of 5 Seconds of Summer, let’s fucking dance.”

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on Tumblr [lifewasradical](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com)


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